Several of my readers have requested that I expound on expectations in your sex life, by answering some of their questions.  If you don't see an answer to your question please click on "Q & A" in the menu above and submit one.  I will do my best to respond within 48 hours or add it into the next blog.

WARNING: Before you read further this material is for an adult age audience.

Early on in our marriage I shared with my husband that I thought the church and Christians weren't talking about sex enough.  The subject is hidden and avoided causing our young people to have to either figure it out on their own or look to unreliable sources for answers.  We wonder why so many Christian teens are sexually active at a young age and we have to blame ourselves for not educating them on Biblical principals for sex.  Sex is beautiful, fun and fulfilling when it's done God's way.  Let's turn this around and start educating our young people as parents in our homes and as Christians in the church.

Sorry for the rabbit trail y'all.  Let's get started with the Q&A.

Question 1 :   What if one of us is not in the mood?

Yes, he/she is probably tired from all of the day's to do's, activities and demands of the job... but here is what the word of God says:

"The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."    1 Corinthians 7:3-5

Their needs are your priority and your needs are their priority.  God will give you the strength, adrenaline and energy for that moment when you yield to the obedience of His word.  By being obedient God will also bless both of you with an unforgettable, better than the last, intimate experience that was totally worth sacrificing a few more minutes of sleep. 

When a spouse is neglected sexually, it allows the enemy to come in.  This is also the area that causes most cases of infidelity in the first place.  When you put off your intimate time with your spouse due to schedules, kids and other priorities, you are slowly allowing division to voluntarily take it's place in your relationship.  The enemy weasels his way right into your bedroom stealing the most sacred thing between a husband and wife - making love.  The Bible clearly states that there will be temptation due to lack of self-control.  Do not allow your marriage to encourage the wondering eye by depriving the other.  God gave you the amazing gift of a spouse.  What came along with that is allowing your urges to be released with only that one person. 

If they're not in the mood, do not take this opportunity to be manipulative. 
Examples of this would be :

• "Do I not look good to you?"      
• "Do you not desire me anymore?"
• "I'm going to sleep on the couch."
• or even worse... the silent treatment.

Yes, you look good to your spouse.  Yes, your spouse desires you.  You know you really do not want to sleep on the couch so don't say things you do not mean.  Finally, the silent treatment is the last thing you want to allow.  Instead allow God to speak to them about being more available for your needs.  If they are still awake, share your heart with them about being intimate.  Share your concerns about waiting too many more days.  Share and remind them about what 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 says.  A lot of times one will keep quiet never expressing their feelings and before you know it resentment has crept in.  Keeping quiet allows thoughts of hatred and envy to overtake you.  The health of your relationship is too important and your health is too important.  Do not allow yourself to slip down the slippery slope of the silent treatment.  Communicate.  Communicate.  Communicate.  Put pride aside and admit when you're wrong.  Forgiveness and asking for forgiveness gains trust and respect from your spouse. 

If they still aren't in the mood after you've shared all your concerns and your heart...pray.  Pray for them.  Pray for your marriage.  Bind the devil and loosen angels to protect your marriage and sex life.  If you haven't seen "War Room" I strongly suggest you drive to redbox on the way home from work and pick it up tonight.  (The whole family will enjoy it.)  In this movie the lady learns the importance of praying for her husband.  I don't want to spoil it for ya, so you have to watch it.  It will bless you tremendously.  

Question 2 :   If I am not satisfied the first time am I suppose to say something to my husband?

Yes.  Let me explain why with a beautiful story I recently read about. 

This couple had just celebrated the husband's 100th birthday.  Yes, you read that correctly.  They both are still living and had the joy of celebrating his 100th birthday together side by side.  Someone asked him, "What makes a long lasting marriage?"  He replied, "Respect and communication."  He later explained that he still thinks his wife is the most beautiful woman in the world and her body looks just as good now as it did when he married her.  Let me remind you that they are both close to 100 years young and he still loves and desires her like he did when they got married.  How beautiful is that?

I find this story so beautiful, inspiring and encouraging.  One of the most important things that he said keeps his marriage strong is communication.  So to get back to the question.  Yes you need to say something to your new hubby if you were unsatisfied during your first intimate time together or any time there after.  

For men, it's easier to "get there" than it is for women.  But most men enjoy it that much more when his wife "get's there" too.  Be very sensitive to his feelings about how you approach the conversation.  You don't want to drive him away at the same time you need to let him know you want to make your relationship strong from the beginning and keep getting stronger there after.  Talk about ways you think he could help get your senses going to bring your satisfaction to the same level together.  Find out exactly what you could do to make him feel the best possible during your time together too.  Let him know how much he means to you and that your time together is very important as well as priceless.  Remember in my first blog where I referred to the first year of marriage as "getting schooled in marriage"?  Well, you're getting schooled in your sex life together.  You're learning something new everyday about them and vice versa.  As the days and years go by you both will become more in sync and flow so well together that this scripture will become real, physically, in your house.

"and the two will become one flesh.' So they are no longer two, but one flesh."  Mark 10:8

It's an amazing feeling when you start finding yourself in a moment of thinking the same thing, saying the same thing or doing the same thing as your spouse.  My husband and I have found this to be true so many times throughout our years of marriage.  It's a moment that only you two can share which makes it that much more precious and priceless.  God is the one who joins you two together spirit, soul and body.  Don't resist that feeling.  Enjoy it and watch amazing things continue to happen for your relationship.

Finally, take this question to your prayer closet.  Thank God in advance that every time you are intimate with your husband you are satisfied and "get there" together.  Ask God to let your senses be sensitive to your husbands touch.  Pray for wisdom on ways to serve your husband in the bedroom that will make him feel appreciated in return he will want to reciprocate. 

I pray blessings upon your marriage, your house and may your marriage be like the story above.  That your days on Earth together are long and fulfilling.  I pray that your marriage will so inspire the generations to follow you.  Amen. 



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There's a lot of hype and expectancy the night of the wedding.  Some imagine a fairy tale experience.  Others are scared or nervous for the unknown. While many are in for a surprise.  What ever the case may be, it's an exciting anticipated night.  That moment you are alone for the first time and there's no rules with complete freedom.  Every touch is intoxicating to your senses.  The idea of no interruptions is liberating. 

The hectic planning for months and exhausting to-do's of that day may have drained all the energy you needed for the after PART-AY with your new spouse.  If you did or didn't get the wedding night experience you expected your reaction might have been one of the following:
· Satisfied
· Disappointed
· Too Nervous
· Don't remember
· Wish I wouldn't have partied so hard
· Blew my socks off
· Too Tired

Silent expectations will kill your wedding night.  If you had a picture in your head of how the night should go or should have gone and it didn't then you're allowing the expectations to govern your next steps with your spouse.  Your spouse deserves your communication.  Talk about how you would like your first time to go together or maybe what you might have thought would have happened but didn't.  This is an adventure that’s worth some experimenting.

Do not look to outside sources about your sex life.  I cannot stress this enough.  Your sex life is intimate and the closest you can ever get to any other human here on Earth.  Let your spouse be the ONLY one you share the details, moments and fun with.  It should never be easier to talk to your friends about your marriage than it is to talk to your spouse.  It's between you, your spouse and God.  No other person or source can educate you on their "oh yeah" other than your spouse.  Listen to what they have to say and make their needs your priority.

As you read my upcoming book you will notice me referring to the first year as "getting schooled in marriage."  So as you're getting schooled in marriage you have to express your thoughts instead of keeping them secret with hidden expectations for your spouse to achieve.  He/she doesn't know what you're thinking or what the next move should be as a pawn in the game of Chess going on in your head.  No need for a Chess face in marriage.  Enjoy the after PART-AY and leave the games for game night. 

God wants your relationship blessed beyond what you've ever seen before but first you have to stop comparing what you've seen with the marriage God has given you.  All people are different, all marriages are different and all relationships are different but God never changes.  His word has, is and will always be the same.  If He didn't think marriage was worth the investment He would have never created a marriage in the garden of Eden.  Marriage is one of God's top priorities.  I encourage you to put His eyes on and look at your marriage as a beautiful investment full of endless love and possibilities. 



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